Random thoughts of worthiness

So I am sitting in my room getting my make up on and I start to think about life, power, happiness and relationships. First off let me say sorry because I am sure this blog is going to be a random clusterfuck of thoughts with no real flow. That being said, here we go.

First off I hate when people tell me that I am not ready for something. Example- when people told me I wasn't ready for a relationship after my divorce. Um, excuse me? I am pretty sure last time I checked you were you and I am me and that you can't tell me whether or not I'm ready for shit. Yes, thank you, I do know that relationships are hard work but here's how I see it: A relationship is very similar to a job. It has pros and cons, some are better than others, they can have anywhere from no benefits to tons of benefits, but most importantly...IF YOU LOVE THE JOB/RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE IN>>>ITS NOT WORK. Did you get that? Did you write that down? That is how I see it. Now I am not telling you that you need to go jump in a relationship if you are single or that you need to get single if you don't love the relationship you are in. All I am saying is evaluate the situation. Think of the pros and cons, the benefits...tell yourself...is it worth it to you? Just be honest with yourself.

That being said- be honest with whoever you are taking to, dating, married to...whatever. Lay your cards on the table, they don't like what you've presented then hey that is probably not a good fit. If people took the guess work out of relationships then the shit would be a lot easier. As for me, I'm gonna say what's on my mind. You don't like it? Oh well, I'm fucking beautiful and smart and guess what? Any man that I deem worthy of spending my time with is fucking lucky to be in that position and if you pass then that is your own problem and I'll deem someone else worthy. IDK I guess I am just tired of seeing all these people pussyfootin through life...like stop holding back. Figure out why are you holding back and then just fuckin let go. I realize this isn't directly related to the theme of my blog, love, but you could tie it in there too I suppose. For example, I have a friend who has been with the same man going on 9 years and he has yet to propose to her. They are both 100% faithful and have lived with e/o for a very long time but he is afraid....seriously dude. Get the fuck over it and let go of your FEAR and just do it. I'm tellin you...Nike knows their shit..JUST DO IT.

But back to what I think I was originally talking about.- Don't tell me what I am or am not ready for. I have lived my entire life around love. Love of family, friends, myself, and so on. once I believe I have found someone that I believe is worth my time then there is no question that I am ready. It is a challenge but its a challenge that I am more than happily willing to take on and conquer. Being that I am single now shows I haven't conquered it yet but that doesn't mean I have failed. I'll only have failed when I have given up. Know your worth people! And know the worth of the person you decide to give your heart to. Every relationship has hardships but if all of it is worth it then that's all that matters. Is it worth the tears? Is it worth the drama? Is it worth the bull shit? Is it worth the work? Is it worth the wait? Figure that out. It's a simple question so don't act like a female and over-complicate it. Once you have your answer go from there.

Self- Esteem

I don't think people realize how much their actions effect the ones they are in a relationship with. When you cheat, lie, hit, or hurt the one you are with you are potentially damaging their psychological state and thus damaging their future selves.
Being married is hard enough but being married and cheated on in the first yea, also know as the happiest yer, of your marriage is life altering and devastating. As a child I was never the hot chick or the popular chick so needless to say I didn't have the greatest self esteem to begin with. But when my ex and i made the decision to get married I couldn't believe that someone cared about me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. Little did I know that no matter how great of a woman I was it still wasn't enough to keep him faithful. Even though my ex and I are good friends now does not mean that the wounds he left didn't turn into scars.
Even now I constantly feel that I am not good enough and that the smallest mistake on my part is going to push away any man that enters my life. I still act like myself with guys, I'm not about to act like someone or something that I'm not but when I am alone I think about the things I did or how I acted and pick out all the stupid shit I did or amplify how terrible I looked. When am I going to start to feel like I am worth it?
Even in all this I still believe in love and I always will. Everyday I become stronger and deep down I know that I am an amazing woman and I will find happiness.

So, if there is anyone reading this, no matter what happens...don't give up on love. It is the most powerful and beautiful thing in the world and it is worth everything you have and will go through.